Sunday, December 26, 2010

Not Anywhere Near Ground Zero Cookie

If there was anything we learned from the Ground Zero Mosque controversy, it's that people are still really pissed about 9/11.

Coco Cookie

Conan, you should have listened to Howard Stern back in 2008 when he told you to stay put at "12:30." But you didn't listen. Instead, you unwisely chose to trust Jay Leno and the meaningless promise he made to you. You didn't deserve to be treated the way you were treated by NBC brass, or the horrendously un-funny Leno and that is why I will always be on your team, team Coco.

The Situation Cookie

Your greasy, orange hide and cartoonishly freaky looking stomach provided much amusement for us in 2010 and we hope your fifteen minutes last well into the new year. We desperately need a national punching bag now that George W Bush has gone off into the sunset and Bernie Madoff is rotting away in jail somewhere.

Snookie Cookie

This was the only cookie no one wanted to eat because it would be like eating the Mona-Lisa and partly because no one wanted to get chlamydia. 

Sexy Scanner Cookie

In 2010, working for the TSA got a whole lot more fun. Let's face it, banana boobs, micro-penises, and National Geographic nipples make protecting America's aviation system so much more enjoyable.

"This is a Big F-ing Deal" Cookie

I love Joe Biden because he is unfiltered. He is also rather charming and frequently inappropriate. So when Obama's health care bill was officially signed into law, an open-mic caught the loose-lipped Joe telling O, "You know, this is a big Fucking deal!" This train-wreck of bill, I mean cookie, is for you Mr. Vice President. 

Chilean Miner Cookie

Chile must be a really horrible place to live if 33 miners, who after being trapped underground for months, fought over who the right to be the last one one rescued. After spending the entire summer watching black crude coming up out of a hole in the ground, it was a delightful change of pace to see 33 miners, in sunglasses, emerge instead. 

Paul the World Cup Octopus Cookie

There was nothing more impressive in 2010 than the incredible German octopus named Paul, who correctly predicted the outcomes of all the individual World Cup matches. Sadly, Paul passed away shortly after the World Cup concluded, leaving behind a crapload of black ink and an annoying Vuvuzela horn.

Florida Goes to the Penguins Cookie

January 2010 was so cold in Florida that Cubans actually considered leaving to go back to Cuba. Record lows were set all over the sunshine state from Orlando and Tampa to Palm Beach and Miami.  

Death-by-Floormat Cookie

Toyota's once world renowned reputation for quality and reliability was driven at full speed, off of a highway, and into a ditch, where it subsequently exploded in a ball of flames. Not only did Toyota flat out lie to the public, they valued their pride and ego more than they valued the lives of their customers. 

Bieber Fever Cookie

Get a haircut dude. Seriously.

Lindsanity Cookie

Showing up to your 17th court appearance with the words "Fuck U" written on your multi-colored fingernail is just one of the reasons why I am still rooting for Lindsay Lohan. 

Not A Witch Cookie

It was Tea Party candidate, Christine O'Donnell, who famously claimed, "I'm not a Witch," in one of her 2010 campaign ads. Honestly, I totally believe her. If she really were a witch, she would have cast a spell over Delaware voters causing them to vote her into office–which they didn't. Then again, she could just be a really shitty witch.


This is supposed to be the Wikileaks logo (world in an hourglass, I know, it's weak.) It was either that, or a cookie in the shape of a broken condom, since Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange, is accused of raping two women and sabotaging the condoms he used while having sex with them.

I'm Still Lost Cookie

So wait... are they all dead? Where did that dog come from? Why is Hurley still fat after being trapped on a desert island for so long? These are just some of the questions left unanswered from the series finale of the once brilliant, LOST. 

My Package is Dangerous Cookie

2010 was a shitty year for airplanes. From erupting volcanos, to exploding Super-Jumbo engines, and now Al-Qaeda's latest innovation, "Death by UPS" package. But rest assured, the only explosion to come from this package is an explosion of sweet and satisfying flavor.

Oiled Cookies

The BP Oil Spill Disaster was a real tragedy for the Gulf of Mexico states and the entire country as a whole. But there is absolutely nothing tragic about chocolate. I would venture to say that perhaps the only good to come out of the Oil Spill nightmare was that it gave me the opportunity to somehow incorporate chocolate into these cookies. There is nothing more decadent and satisfying then cute, friendly dolphins and helpless sea turtles dipped in semi-sweet crude. 

Most Annoying Country of the Year Cookie

Iceland. An attractive, bankrupt, and perpetually gassy, little nordic country. In April the inexplicably named "Eyjafjallaj√∂kull" (eye-uh-fyallah-fuck-hole) volcano erupted and completely ruined international air travel for weeks. Shortly thereafter, all of continental Europe proceeded to unfriend Iceland and refused to respond to any of its texts. Keep your annoying singers, shitty sagas, and choking ash to yourselves and leave our departure boards free of little, red Canceled's.

Bedbug Cookie

The only New Yorkers not terrorized by bedbugs in 2010, are Manhattan's thriving community of Beagle breeders and professional exterminators.

Vancouver Death Track Cookie

While Canadians are mostly known for being welcoming and delightfully friendly, their Olympic Luge Tracks will be remembered as being decidedly deadly. This cookie is in memory of Nodar Kumaritashvili, the Georgian Luger who died during a practice run but it is also my gift to the Canadian people, and to the wonderful city of Vancouver. Your strangely mild climate, passionless competence, and amusing accents, charmed us thoroughly.

Haiti Cookie

There is nothing 'poor' about the 'taste' of this somber yet delicious, confection, commemorating the worst natural disaster of 2010. Crumbling just like the Haitian capital itself, this cookie sends out shock waves of deliciousness from its luscious, buttery epicenter.